I always asked myself if “ I am lucky?”. Maybe not. Who does not hope for happiness? Who does not wish for happiness? Who does not ask for pure love? Who does not wish for a happy perfect family? Tell me. If someone you knew who does not dream to have these things in life, then he or she maybe a fool. Not me.
It wasn’t easy to confess to the world what I went through in life. It wasn’t easy to admit what is the hardest thing I ever done in my life. I tried to refrain this question in my mind and find no answer. My mind was totally blank. It’s not because it has lost it’s capability to think. Or not because of the absence of the memories, but because of the familiar pain keep coming from my veins up to my head which makes me mentally blocked.
It wasn’t just a plain reminder, not even a funny thing to ponder. I even consider it as a beautiful nightmare. Nothing else. Funny but it was. Weird but true. And yes, I am bitter. I have tried a million times to forget these things and ignore the truth. But truth sucks. Truth hurts. I have pretended countless times to be fine, but I ended up fooling myself. The same painful thing hurts my heart, too bad! It silently bleeds again deep inside. It was unstoppable and the pain wasn’t that easy to ease after all.
I know for the past years, I have remained strong. I lived a life I deserve to have. What I am right now is what I was in my past. The past made me stronger and wiser. It gave me a lot of determination to succeed. Just to show to the world that I am someone my parents could be proud of. I am someone who deserve to love and be loved and would never abandoned.
It was then I realized that the hardest thing I ever done in my life is the acceptance of losing a father and to let go of the pain in my heart. Being an abandoned child is really awful, hurtful and traumatic. Yet, I managed to be the best I can be. So at least someday, when I will see my father again, he would tell and shout the world: “ She’s my daughter!”
