Since I was young, I have this self-engulfment fears that nobody else know. I tend to walk away with love. I believe it was not a coward move but it was the bravest thing I did in my life. I was just so afraid that someone whom I love the most will gonna leave me.
Right from the start, I have avoided love to happen. No, I mean, “falling in love” to be exact. It’s just a matter of choice. It is a game. It is a risk. So it’s all depends to us what matters most. Choices. Chances. Changes. In the end, it is our decisions that will determine our destiny.
So here we go, I’ve met this beautiful girl named Elsie. She was my grade school crush. Funny but it’s true. I was so nerd that time and I think she was the most beautiful girl in the world. So what happens next? Nah, nothing happened. (Laughs)
To make the story short, I’ve met Elsie after 10 long years. She was prettier this time and has the most captivating smile. She's sexy! No doubt about it. Fate was just playing stupid over me. I was on my way home and I bumped a beautiful girl and after I said sorry I looked at her pretty face. She was a familiar stranger!
“Are you my sister’s best friend?” I murmured. She nodded and smiled and said yes. Dang! I felt so much excitement. I can feel my bloods rushing through my veins and my heart suddenly beats unusual.
I just realized how dumb am I when I haven’t got a chance to get her number. Maybe because I had a feeling of awkwardness because of the fact that Elsie was my younger sister’s best friend. I just can’t even sleep when I recall that she is just having her vacation for just 30 days and she will be back to the US with her family.
“Dang! What an irony of life!”
I tried to forget Elsie so I engaged to different sports- basketball, baseball, football and swimming. Every night I went out bar hopping, clubbing, having fun with my friends and girl friends and so on and on. But Elsie keeps running on my mind wherever I go and whatever I do. Shit! It could never be love. Come on, she was just my childhood crush and I could never be in love with someone like her.
One morning I realized that days have passed by and Elsie’s vacation has only 15 days left! I have this feeling that I wanted to see her and wanted to be with her but I don’t know how to start. I want to spend my time with her remaining days in the Philippines. I want to bring her to the park, treat her dinner, dance with her, have fun and have some drinks with her and just want to make her happy.
I wasn’t really a fan of facebook but for Elsie’s sake, I created an account! That’s the only way I could get in touch with her. I searched over her name and BINGO! I found none.
I was so hopeless and doubted to pursue my plans with Elsie so my first option was to text my friends and have some shots of beer somewhere in Q.C. I was about to call my friend when suddenly somebody texted.
“Hi! How are you? Elsie here.”
I felt a sudden happiness that I can’t explain. My heart throbbing. I got a feeling of a thousand butterflies in my stomach and excitement all over my body. So that’s how it started. We exchanged texts all day and night. We exchanged calls. Cheesy pick up lines made our days crazy and day by day unknowingly, my heart fall for Elsie. And it was too late to realize that I haven’t avoided it at all. The feeling has developed secretly, unconsciously and undyingly. I was caught by love! Suddenly, I felt a pang of loneliness. Emptiness has embraced me again. I wanted to walk away with Elsie. I wanted to walk away with love. This feeling is nowhere to go. I will just hurt myself all over again. I want to let her out of my life. But man, she’s my happiness now. It sucks.
It was almost a week that I haven’t got in touch with Elsie. No explanations needed. Why should I? She’s not even my girl friend. Yes, she is special but deep inside my heart, she’s my life. I just have a feeling of self-denial. My attitude towards her was even self-explanatory. I hate dramas. I hate demands. I hate restrictions. Most of all, I hate attachments. So why I can’t get rid of this girl no matter how hard I try? She’s different from the rest. The only exception from all the girls I dated before. She’s extra-ordinary or maybe because the reason of everything is just because of: “TRUE LOVE”. I laugh. Nah, this could not be happen. True love only happens in a fairy tale or a romantic movie. This is crazy.
One day I wake up and suddenly realized that I missed Elsie so much. That’s when I thought of asking her out for a date. I only have 7 days left to do those things for her. I should have brave enough to handle this kind of love I’ve never expected to feel. Each day was all worth remembering and it was the happiest days of my life. I have exerted too much efforts I’ve never did to anybody else before. I honestly succeeded to my plans of treating her nice, giving her good dinner, going out with her and have fun together. We just found ourselves doing what lovers do: we hug, we kiss and we sleep together. That was something I wished it would never stopped. But the remaining days we had could be an endless torture for me.
I learned to accept everything about Elsie. I learned to love everything about her; her flaws, strengths and weaknesses. I see her close to perfect. Smart. Pretty. Sexy. Kind. Family-oriented. Friendly. Outgoing. Loving. The last adjective hurts me lightly. It’s because of the fact that I love her and I felt that she doesn’t feel the same way. So this is obviously unrequited love.
“I’m leaving, I’m here at the airport.”
That was the most heart-breaking SMS I ever got from my entire life. My body has been numb for a while; my heart seems to stop from beating and my eyes suddenly became watery. So this is it! This is the long-awaited day I’ve avoided to come. Elsie is leaving. She is leaving Philippines. She is leaving me. So what? Why would I feel this sad truth hurts me the most? She never asked me to treat her as my life. I could not even make her stay. I don’t have the right to stop her pursuing her dreams. She deserves a better life I can’t afford to give her. She deserves to be happy. I need to let her go even though I don’t know how to start moving on over her.
I felt like a bird with a broken wing. I can’t fly. Sadness has become my best friend. Elsie has taken half of me. She has stolen my heart. I felt so dysfunctional. My brain doesn’t seem to cooperate. Emptiness visits me often and love betrayed me. Just because of Elsie’s absence, I learned to love back my old activities: bar hopping, clubbing, drinking lots of beers. The truth about drinking beer was that I like it for giving me a hang over. Why? Whats good for having a hang over? It's when my head aches more than my heart.
While sulking myself in loneliness, I wrote a poem for Elsie:
“It’s all about E”
Life would be so hard without E.
I wouldn't know what LOVE is until there was E.
I wouldn't know what EFFORT means if I've never met E.
I know deep inside my heart, CHANGE would never exist if it's not because of E.
I wouldn't be able to feel PEACE and I can't smilE without E.
Life would have so many complications
but with E, it became so SIMPLE.
There are times I felt so lonEly because of E.
And tEars will suddenly appear.
I feel so much FEar of losing E in my LifE
because LIFE would be so incomplete without E.
E also brings slEEpless nights,
As well as worriEs for the next day,
jEalousy was often my bEStfriend
And Emptiness seems to bEtray me.
At times when i nEEded E the most,
I just closE my EyEs and whispEr that
i am always hERE.
Just because of E's existence,
I find to realized the difference between
sELfishnEss and SELFlessNEss.
the sad truths and happy liES,
the consequENces and sacrificEs
the happinEss and thousand criES.
so tell ME, how can i livE without E?
As you can see, without E, there will never be you and ME.
So i left here clueless.
Stuck on Elsie's love.
I'll gonna wait for her even if tomorrow never comes.
